What to Write in a Sympathy Card

People put off sympathy cards because they are afraid of getting it wrong. The card that arrives clumsily is almost always better than the card that never arrives, and there are only a few things that genuinely land badly. For an illness rather than a bereavement, a get well card carries a different register entirely and most of the advice below does not apply.

What to include

1. Their name. Say the name of the person who died. Families notice when everyone avoids it, and hearing it is usually a relief rather than a wound.
2. One true thing about them. A memory, a habit, something they said. This is the part that gets read again months later.
3. One specific offer. Not "let me know if you need anything" - that hands them a task. "I will call on Sunday about the school run" is something they can accept by saying nothing.

What to leave out

• Explanations. Anything beginning "at least" or "everything happens for a reason" asks the bereaved to feel better for your comfort.
• Your own losses. However similar, this is not the moment, and it moves the card onto you.
• Instructions. "Be strong", "stay positive", "they would want you to" - all of it is a demand dressed as support.
• Questions. A card should need no reply.

If you did not know the person who died

Then write about the person you do know. "I do not know what to say, but I am thinking of you and I am close by" is honest and entirely sufficient. Admitting you have no words is not a failure of the card - it is often the truest line in it.

If you knew them well

Then the family will want your memory more than your sympathy. Write the small specific thing - how he answered the phone, what she always brought to dinner. Families collect these afterwards; several people have described rereading them for years.

On being late

A card arriving three weeks after the funeral is often the most valued one, because it comes when the house has gone quiet and everyone else has moved on. If you missed the moment, send it anyway, and do not apologise for the delay at length.

Length

Three or four sentences. A sympathy card is not an essay, and the reader is exhausted. Say the name, say the true thing, make the offer, sign it.